What Hurts the Most
by Suze18
Summary: Paige suffers a great loss.


I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me

Paige sat in her room, on her bed, staring at the wall before he; she hadn't moved from that very spot in days, even in the same cloths at then. Just taking a glimpse at her, you could spot the devastation written all over her face, but who could really blame her. A few days ago, her whole word had come ripping apart at the seams.

There was a knock at her door, but she didn't even answer it. Her brother just walked right in; she didn't even acknowledge his presence in the room, as if she hadn't even noticed his arrival. She hadn't really said much since his funeral. He hated to see her suffering like this; it broke his heart knowing that she was hurting and there was nothing he could do to fix it. It wasn't like when they were kids and he could make everything better. "Do you want something to eat; mom's made your favorite for dinner."

She glanced over at him, and shook her head, saying no. She felt like she was unable to move her lips anymore, as if she had lost the ability to use them. If she could talk, what was there really to say? Life sucks…I wish he was here with me. She didn't have to say that, that was obvious.

Dylan left her alone knowing that nothing he could do or say. Right now, all she needed was time, time to heal from the pain that linger in her heart from the loss. He knew if it he had lost Marco the same he would be in shambles too.

She laid back on her bed, against her pillow; holding the one thing she had left, his sweater, something that still held the oh so familiar smell of his scent, of cologne. There were no more tears left to cry, she was all drained out.

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while

They sat on the hood of the car, leaning up against the windshield, gazing up at the stars; seeing the beauty that the world had to offer. It was a nice warm night, the first one this spring, it was so nice.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, turning his attention to her. He wanted to know what was going in that head of hers.

"What the future hold after this year, after graduation," she answered him. She didn't want to say them incase he didn't think that far about their future. She didn't want to scare him off, last time she had thought that far she got dumped in the end.

"Not about me?" he said. Taking her hand, "You know I was thinking that after we're finished that we could go off to college together, you and me."

She leaned against his shoulder, a smile came upon her face; he thought that there was a future beyond high school, that in the end they would end up together. "I think…"

"Paige Michelchuck, get inside," her father hollered from their front porch. He always had a tenancy to come at the wrong moment.

"I guess that's my cue to head out," she said getting up, instead of answer his question, running yet again.

"What were you going to say just now…do you agree?" pleading for an answer.

She just leaned down and gave him a quick peck on the lips, "Night…we'll talk later."

From her porch, she waved good-bye as he drove off down the street, out of site.

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me

Paige walked down the stairs that took her to the kitchen of her home. She had finally found the energy to pull herself off her bed, out of her room, and even to get dress. Her hair was up in a messy ponytail, she wore a pair of plain jeans, and his blue hoodie, the one she hadn't been able to part with.

Her mom was astonished to see her before her that morning, on the other hand was glad that she had finally made it down, out of her room. "Good morning dear, can I make you anything?"

Shaking her head, "No thanks, I'll get something later." Truth was she wasn't quite able to eat anything yet. Since it happened, she wore nothing really fitted anymore, she had lost about five pounds if not a little more. This was most girls dream to lose weight so fast, but it wasn't like she had been trying.

Her mom looked at her with empathy, she worried that she wasn't taking proper care of herself. It was hard for her to see her daughter deteriorate right in front of her, and yet wasn't able to help her. She only hope was within time that she would be able to move forward, and maybe just maybe she would see at least a bit of the girl she use to call her daughter, shine through.

She brushed past Dylan as she headed out the kitchen door. He just smiled at her slightly; glad to see that she was finally gracing the world with her present, even if it only meant for a few hours.

What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away

He drove away with a big smile on his face; he had never been so content. With his ex-girlfriend nothing seemed to be ever good enough, as much as he tried. He felt with her that he was bound to fail, to disappoint her at some point.

If he had been honest with himself, he hadn't been really happy with her the second time around; it was just that he felt comfortable with her, scared to move on with someone else.

It was a good thing when things ended, and she had broke-up with him. With her not there, it helped make things easier to move forward instead of backwards again, back into something that was far from right.

They both were broken at the time, but somehow ended up befriending one another. It was nice to know that someone knew what it felt like to be hurt. That friendship grew into something more, something unexpected.

When he first arrived at Degrassi, he would have never thought that he would be dating the most popular girl at school, the head cheerleader of the spirit squad.

Being with her had changed his life, and changed his whole way of thinking. It wasn't just about what he was going to do in the future to him it had become what they would do, because through it all he saw them doing it all together. You could say that he had had fallen head over heels for her, that's why he had asked her to follow him, to come with him to college.

He began to wonder if that was what she was going to tell him before her father interrupted them, as per usual when they were in a deep conversation. Something deep inside of him told him it would have been a yes.

And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do

He strolled into the Dot, to notice Paige sitting in the corner all by herself, looking a little down, staring at the table. She wasn't her usual self, not the girl that basically ruled the school, and told people exactly what she thought, even if it wasn't always nice. No she had been more standoffish.

They hadn't really ever been friends, they had been more acquiesces, friend of a friends. But just seeing her look so down, so sad he felt the need to go and talk to her, make sure that she was alright.

"Hey Paige…can I sit here?" about to pulled the chair out to sit on.

You could see that she was surprise he wanted to be around her without their friends. "Sure, why not," with a sad tone in her voice.

Sitting down, right in front of her, "What's got you down?"

Looking at him like a little snot, with the tone to match, "Why would you care?"

"Oh come on, I know we're not the best of friends, but I do care. And maybe I might surprise you."

He got a smile out of her, "Oh you really think so."

"Yeah…so tell me what's got you so down."

This should be interesting she thought. She wasn't sure if she rally wanted to talk to this with him or any guy, but something inside of her spurted it right out. "My boyfriend dumped me after taking me to a romantic restaurant, and then on top of that he gave me a joint as a present."

"Wow, that's really got to suck; getting dumped is never nice. I know a lot from experience."

Laughing, "I guess you do. I just thought we were both on the same wave length." She had been thinking of moving in with him, so that they could be together at the same college, but that didn't seem to work out too well.

"Down the road he's going to look back only to regret letting you go," not knowing where there words were coming from, he never thought of her as the kind of girl to actually date, well at least not since he showed up at Degrassi.

"Do you really think so?" not so sure about herself anymore.

"Yeah," he smiled, he never noticed before, but she had a natural beauty to her. Was he really thinking that this, no he couldn't, she wasn't his regular type, but now that he thought about it, maybe that would be a good thing, maybe it's what he actually needed.

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone

Paige popped into class a few moments after the final bell rang. Mr. Simpson hated when people were late; he went to say something, but than he noticed who it was, and went back to what he was explaining, before she interrupted the class.

She could feel the eyes of her peers on her as she slowly strolled over, with her head down, to her normal seat. She hated that everyone was starring, she wanted to tell them off, to stop watching her, but she decided to keep her mouth shut, it would only draw more attention to her, something that she really didn't want.

She looked over at the corner, at the corner that he used to always sit at; the place where she would always glance back at and send him a smile or blow him a kiss. They even had developed their own hand signals so they wouldn't get in trouble for talking in class, which really wouldn't be that unusual for her since she always had with Hazel.

For a second she thought that she could see him there, that this had all been a dreadful nightmare, but then she squeezed her eyes shut and looked again; he wasn't there she had imagined him yet again. The seat was empty, just like her life, like her heart, because he had taken it with him.

Tears fell down her cheeks, falling onto her lap. She couldn't be doing this right now; she had promised herself that she would get through the day without shedding a tear for him. Cause if she couldn't get through one day, how was she going to make it through her life with out him.

Mr. Simpson noticed that she was crying; his heart went out to her. It couldn't be easy losing someone that you loved. He walked over to her, "My family and I miss him too; it's not fair that he had to be taken at such an early age. I know he loved you though…a lot." He had once told him once when he had been helping him with his Media project, and she had come up.

"I know; I felt the same, that's why it's so hard with all the memories that surround me."

"Paige…if you can't be here you can leave."

Shaking her head, "No, it's alright."

Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret

"Guess who?" he said, coming up behind her, putting his hand over her eyes.

"Hmm…Orlando Boom," she joked, holding in her laughter. She knew who it was, she could never forget that voice or even the smell of his cologne; it was imbedded into her brain.

"No better looking…" he replied, moving closer to her face, so close that their cheeks were touching.

"Well than that's hard because I don't think there's anyone better looking than him."

Pretending to feel offended by that, "Excuse me…you're going to get it." He came around and sat next to her on her couch, and began to tickle her, making her scream.

"Not…fair," she said in between the laugher. "You know I think you're way better looking than anyone," pulling him towards her so that she could kiss him.

Moving away from her, but making sure he was looking her in the eyes, "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, go for it," not knowing what he wanted to talk about, but sure it was serious because of the tone he was using.

"What are we?"

"Now who's sounding like the women here," she laughed, that had always been something she had brought up in previous relationships.

"No I'm serious, I really like you, but I don't want to be someone that you kiss and take out when you need someone around. I want to be your boyfriend, your only guy," tired of the mind games she was playing, stuff he had done to others, but he didn't want the any longer. He was ready for a real relationship, because with her he felt something was different than with the others.

"Well I'm not sure that I'm ready to be in a committed relationship."

"Why you so afraid, I'm not those other guys. I care deeply for you, more than I have about any girl before, but I won't sit and wait forever to see if those feelings will be returned," he arose and began to walk away, hurt that she didn't want the same thing.

She didn't want for him to leave. He was right she was scared; she couldn't mess this up. "Wait," he looked back at her, "you're right, I am scared, but I'm tired of being scared if that means losing you." She didn't let him say a thing; she just grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him into a kiss.

But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken

Ellie noticed Paige as she was walking down the hall. She thought that it was great that she had finally made it to school, she had called her house a few times to talk to her, to see how she was holding up, but her mom said that she wasn't up to talking. She hoped it was a good sign that she was here, "Paige, it's good to see you."

"Hey," she said softly. She may be at school but she wasn't sure if she really wanted to talk to anyone, especially not if they were going to ask her how things were and all.

"You look like you could use someone to talk to…I'm a good listener. Well that's what he used to always say."

"I really don't want to talk about it," she began to walk away, away from her.

"Paige I know what it feels like to lose someone you love. I've been through it twice you know," she hollered to her, hoping that it would work.

Maybe she would understand, she was a friend of his, and she had been through it. It might make at least some of the hurt go away. She had tried a million times to talk about it with her family, but they wouldn't have understood it, they had never been through a loss like this. "Okay."

They walk outside, and sat on the steps. "Everywhere I look a think I see him El, I mean there are so many memories all around me, as much as I want them to go away I don't want to forget them, to forget him."

"Oh sweetie," putting her arms around her, "it will get better I promise. Eventually those memories will put a smile on your face, not a frown. I mean knowing him how could they, he was the most loving guy; he would anything for the ones he loved. And believe me Paige he loved you with all he had, more than I think you will ever realize."

Those words just made tears fill in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. "Before he died he was at my house, and we were talking about life, about our future. He wanted me to come with him to Vancouver to go to school with him, to live with him. He was essentially telling me that he saw me in his future, something I always wanted to hear from a guy; I froze and couldn't answer that simple question. When my dad called me in soon after I just ran in, instead of telling him a simple answer; now he will never know," she began to weep.

"Paige he knew you, he already knew the answer," knowing how well he knew her, since he had talked to her about Paige numerous amount of times.

Not believing her, "What if he didn't? What if he really didn't know what I actually felt for him; now it's too late? Maybe if I told him, then maybe he would have seen it coming, maybe he would still be here with me, in my arms where he belongs," her voice began to rise.

Grabbing a hold of her by her shoulders, "Don't do this to yourself, stop blaming yourself, it wasn't your fault."

Pushing her away, arising from the steps, slowly backing up, "Then why do I feel so bad," she said, she turned around to run.

What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away

They were sitting the Dot where it had all started. He had gotten a little table in the corner, something more private from the rest of the restaurant. He had even gotten Spin to light some candles for them. He had wanted this date to be special, especially since it wasn't too long before Christmas, maybe the last time they would see each other until Christmas was over.

"This is so perfect," she said as they held hands over the table.

"Well I wanted do something nice for someone as perfect as you."

"Oh stop, you're making me blush," she said, looking down slightly before returning to his gaze. He always seemed to amaze her, always making her feel so special, letting her know that he cared.

"No it's true. You don't hold my old wrong doings against me, like others have. You believe in me, that I can achieve me dreams. Just being around you makes me feel alive," squeezing her hands.

"If that's true it's only because being with you has made me that way. Being with you had made a better person, not someone that everyone behind doors hates," knowing what others said to her face was different than they had said when she wasn't around. She was glad that it wasn't like that anymore.

"And that's why I love you."

A bigger smile came over her face; she was unsure what to say. She always seemed so scared to tell him, she had been feeling this for a while, but she hadn't wanted to scare him off, like the others. "I love you too!"

And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do

A light shown on his eyes, blinding him, making it difficult to see where he was driving, or what was coming at him. It only seemed to be growing brighter, it seemed like it was coming towards him, front on. He began to panic and was unsure what to do. By instinct he swerved to the right, a little further than he meant to, he hadn't seen it coming but he drove right into a pole. He could hear the metal crunching as it hit the pole; there was no screaming or anything; he hit it to quickly, not enough time to react. As the full extent of the impact occurred, his head slammed violently against the steering wheel, cutting his head right open. As he hit it he thought of Paige and her beautiful face. Blood gushed down his face, as he laid there, not moving.

Ambulance sirens were going off in the background, slowly growing louder as they grew closer. Neighbors stood out on the sidewalk curiously watching, unsure exactly how this had happened; wanting to know if they knew the person that laid there in the car.

One man stood there in shock, he recognized the car that was before him. He shook his head, "It can't be," he kept repeating, in hopes that it wasn't his son.

As the paramedics brought him out of the vehicle he got a good look at him, and all the features matched his son. His fear had come a reality. Tears trickled down his face; he rushed over to the men. He needed answers; he needed to know how he was doing.

"That's my son!" he yelled out.

One of the paramedics stopped, "Really?"

"Yeah…how is he?"

"I'm not going to lie, it doesn't look good. But we don't have time to talk right now. We need to get him to the hospital," running towards the ambulance, to help the other paramedic get him into the ambulance. It was sad to see such a young person like this, he thought.

He watched as the ambulance pulled away from the curb, into the distance. His heart was breaking, for him, for his family, and for the girl he had to break this to.

He had just seen him this afternoon, before he headed out with his girlfriend. He was excited because he was going to ask her to come with him to Vancouver. He was so full of life, full of dreams, and now it seemed like they were dying away.

What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away

Paige she ran and ran down the street not knowing where she was going. She knew Ellie was right, that it wasn't her fault. Sometimes having someone to blame was easier to cope with.

She began to wish she had been more open with her feelings. Even from the beginning she had been hesitant; she didn't mean to be, but it was hard. She always thought of getting hurt, of her heart getting broken.

Now that he was gone she had regrets. She wished that she had been able to tell him what she had been feeling, instead of him always left to wonder; at least than he would have died knowing.

And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do

Paige laid there in bed, thinking, wondering why she didn't tell him before he left. Why had she chickened out; not like it was the first time? For some reason she always seemed scared to truly open herself up in this relationship, despite him being totally forward with her.

Truth was it was fear that he went eventually leave like the others. She didn't trust his word that he wasn't like the others because she had been fooled by that before.

She began to cry; she wanted to give into him; she wanted to let herself go free. Something told her inside that he was different from the others. She decided that she had to make a promise to herself that starting tomorrow she would let go, and follow her heart, and not mess up the best relationship she ever had.

Her doorbell rang; she wondered who it could be. Then she realized that it was probably him unable to wait for an answer. She knew exactly what she would say, what the answer would be.

"Paige, tell that boyfriend of yours that he has to go home," her dad yelled from his room. She knew he wasn't impressed that someone was here at this time, especially since he had already sent him home. Usually he would throw a rock at her window, knowing that he couldn't disturb anyone, knowing that he wasn't suppose to be here at that time.

She ran down the stairs and to the door, only to find another. She was confused. He didn't look that good, it looked like he had been crying; his eyes were red and puffy. "Joey, what are you doing here?" Unsure if she wanted to know the answer to that, knowing there was a good reason for him showing up here.

Putting his hand out, "Paige it's Craig…he was in a car crash."

Backing away, "No…"she screamed, shaking her head, "no…I just saw him not long ago."

Her parents heard the screaming from upstairs, and came to see what all the commotion was all about.

Going to grab her jacket from the hook, "I have to go to him, let him know that I'm there," she said trying not to let the tears fall, trying to be strong.

Stopping her in her tracks, "I'm sorry it's too late…he's gone."

"No…you're lying, he wouldn't leave me, he promised," she yelled, pounding her hands against his chest.

Pulling her into an embrace, "I'm afraid not."

"No…" she whimpered.

Her family just watched as she cried in Joey's arms, unsure what to tell their teen girl after she's had a lost like this. After he left they just stayed with her in the living room while she continued to cry, until she finally fell asleep a few hours later.

Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do

Paige had run right over to where it all happened she hadn't been here; she could never bring herself to do it. She hadn't even meant to come here, but somehow she found herself here.

There was a little memorial, his picture, and a bunch of flowers going. She sat down right in front of it, tracing her fingers across the picture, across his face; wishing that it wasn't a photo but that it was actually him.

"I'm sorry that it took me so long to come. You know me I've never been one to be on time," she laughed softly. "I'm sorry that I never did tell you my answer that I ran off, I mean it shouldn't be hard to say one word right. I know I shouldn't have been scared, especially since I knew that you loved me, but I was. Your and my feelings really scared me, not just because it could end like the others, but morally because it could last forever, that it could actually be it. Now it seems all stupid. So to answer that question…YES," she finally answered; even though there was still pain in her eyes, she smiled.


End file.
